Have you ever just felt drained, tired, just outright spent or out of sorts? That’s how I feel right now. I don’t know if it is physical, emotional or spiritual. Maybe it is all of the above. I could feel it coming on a couple of weeks before I got the flu and then when that hit, the engine just ran out of gas. I went through what I call “complete darkness” or depression (I may talk about this later) for about 5 or 6 years. Fortunately, last year the light came back and I started regaining some of my old self. This “cloud” doesn’t approach that and I know it will eventually end, but it is still aggravating.
As most everyone in my family can tell you, I have times where I get quiet and I am in my own world (Not necessarily a bad thing in some people’s eyes). It also doesn’t necessarily mean something is “wrong”. I just move inward and go silent. Most of my extended family and friends don’t understand this, because they aren’t wired this way. And, I will be the first to admit I am probably wired different than most. Maybe it is a time of reflection or maybe it is just the way I deal with certain things. I am not sure. It has just always been that way for as long as I can remember.
Everyone has always thought I was built with this “logical” brain and that was the category I belonged to. And to some extent, my brain can deal with logical steps pretty well. However, I am a very emotionally driven person. Those emotions can either drive me forward to success or send me sailing into the rocks, regardless of the logic that may be staring me in the face. I also think for all of my life I have wrongfully thought I needed to work in a career that dealt with logic, such as programming, computing and networking. I think I have finally realized why I have never been “truly happy” with those things. My brain really doesn’t work that way or at least it doesn’t connect to it with the ease that everyone thought. An example of this is I have been trying to get myself to “build” a website that I really like and I haven’t just because I have no desire to learn how to do it. In fact, it makes me cringe to even consider it, because of all those years I did computer programming. Don’t get me wrong, I am the biggest geek I know. I love everything about technology and working with computers. I just wasn’t made to work with it in the way I have always thought I was.
This leads me to say, I love design, especially architecture. However, I like it in everything else as well. I love looking at buildings, old and new, that were created with passion. I love reading about and looking at far away places and would be in “heaven” if I could travel and see them all. I love seeing well plated food that looks like art. I love seeing homes that have been thought out and are pleasing to the eye. I love beautiful landscapes and the beauty that God has put all over this earth. I love movies where you can tell they really put a lot of thought in the artistry of the surroundings. I love music that touches the soul. I love cars, not necessarily based on horsepower, but on those with well thought out design. Though I am typically very conservative in what I like and wear, I even love fashion. Interestingly, within that I love watches. I don’t mean ones encrusted with diamonds and gold, but those built with true engineering and artful design. I could easily read and study about all of the above on a continual basis. I think design is what drew me to Apple Inc. and the Mac. To me it’s less about the “computing” and more about the design of the hardware and the user interface. I also think that’s one of the things that helped me fall in love with Manhattan in New York City. It is full of great design and art in every aspect of that city’s life. I am like a kid in a candy store when I am there. My eyes never quit taking it all in and it touched something in my very being. Doesn’t sound like someone who is designed to be a sit at your desk logical numbers kind of guy does it? It doesn’t to me either.
Where will all this contemplation lead me? I don’t know. It may even be part of the reason for this “cloud” that I am in. I know I am not where I need nor want to be. Yet, I don’t know how to expand on this or where to take it. Right now I don’t know how to create great design or if I even have the talent for it. I just know I am passionate about seeing it, wherever I may find it. I also know I still need to continue to improve my physical health and work hard on our finances before I can do anything. Those two things are a must. Who knows where it might lead after that.
I do know one thing. I see the same characteristics in my children and they have mentioned some of their dreams to us. Now at first, one might think, how is an eleven and twelve year old going to know what their dreams “really” are? My answer to that is who are we to say they don’t and why would we not encourage them to go after them? Sure their dreams might change and it is also mine and Debbie’s responsibility to guide and lead them. However, we have to make sure that they know it is okay to dream and to dream big. Regardless of what the world thinks, we should forever encourage them to follow their dreams.
What dreams are too big? None I say. If people didn’t go after their dreams, the “amazing” would never be accomplished. I think God wants us to dream. I think some of His most amazing work is accomplished because people acted on the seed He planted. I realized about a year ago that I had quit dreaming. I want that back. I want it for my wife. I want it for my children. I want it for you.
I guess that’s all for now. This ended up being longer than I intended. All that was to say, “Please forgive me for being quiet”. At times, it may be because of a cloud or it may be because I am just reflecting on life.
Who knows, maybe one day very soon it will be because I am dreaming again.
